He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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