batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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