I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
