Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
