You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
