I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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