I am puke
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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