I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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