Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
What drink are we having for lunch?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
