I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
