i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
