Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
