I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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