hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
