Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
