It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
