I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
