im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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