I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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