i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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