when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
