Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
