he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
