I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
