for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
A+ Viking dick
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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