Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
