hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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