An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
accomplished twins. life is a go
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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