My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
