There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
