i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
