I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
