how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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