woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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