just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
