the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
