I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
