My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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