One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
50% drunk capacity currently
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
