guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
