just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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