Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
