ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
