I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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