I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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