You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
