If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
this is an emotional support booty call
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
