If i come over, it means nothing
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
