apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
