just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
