dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
