Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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