i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It was confusing and full of hummus
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
